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I'm turning thirty-four in one week. Let me repeat, I'm turning thirty-four in one week.
I don't know what it is about that number but it just seems so much older than thirty-three. I remember thinking the same thing when I turned thirty-one as well, when I didn't bat an eyelash at thirty. So maybe its just like a every few years thing? I'm not sure, but it's been on my mind a lot and lately and the more I think on it the less bothered I am by celebrating another trip around the Sun.
There have been a lot of years of my life where I looked back and wished I had done more, made bigger changes, been bolder... you know gotten shit done. I spent a huge chunk of my life just letting life happen to me instead of actively taking responsibility for designing my life. Then one day a couple of years ago, I woke up.
I forced myself to make scary and heartbreaking decisions. I stopped ignoring awful and embarrassing truths. I took on the titles "single mom" and "co-parent". I found value in being me. I grew at home. I grew at work. I grew in being alone. It was very uncomfortable but I made big fucking changes and I started to be bold, and you know what? I am really happy. I like who I am.
I listen to whatever music I feel like without worrying about fitting in a scene. I wear whatever I want to and feel confident in doing so. I do fun things with my kids. I do fun things without my kids. I travel with my boyfriend. I travel with my girlfriends. I do and I say what I want... and the best part about that is that now I'm old enough to want to do and say better (and more reasonable) things than I ever wanted to do when I was younger!
I've learned the difference between being bold and being rude, how to deliver honesty with tact and compassion, and how to ask for help even though I really don't want to need it. Age has allowed me to blossom into myself without being all about myself. Age has also given me time to learn to love and appreciate myself with less and less care about what others think.
I still generally have no idea what I'm doing most of the time, loose anything that isn't attached to me, have a hard time following instructions, have a quick temper, get super competitive, and about a million other things that aren't the best parts of me... but I have also had time to become comfortable and accepting with some not so great parts of myself. I also know that thirty-four isn't actually very old at all and that I still have lots of time to live, improve, and grow and bloom larger.
So, I am going to be thirty-four in one week. Is my life what I imagined it would be at this point when I was twenty-four? Not even close. My life is so much bigger, happy, full of surprises, and so much more bold than I ever even knew to hope for.
All photo credit to Dustin Luna @ PALEMOONphotography.com.
Gingham Wiggle Dress can be found at Unique-vintage.com